Ping planggggg!!! Ziakk!! Rip!!! Kaa Booommm!!!

Have you ever been into a situation when all hopes are high, the confidence are all yours and all of a sudden, you fell down so hard that all dreams and hopes are shattered?

Unfortunately im experiencing that now. Like what i said in my previous post, i felt sooooooo close to God and i sort of know His promises for me. I thought He'll help me through my studies and i'll be able to study and learn things very well and of course, the 5A's in STPM. But then hor... all these were ripped instantly. No joke. I felt im not gonna get that 5A's.

Today only mar.... i can't learn much. Practically i learnt nothing. The capacity of learning shut just like that. Though in my blurness, i did caught up some bits and pieces. That's it. And i felt i disappointed many, many people who were praying hard for me, who love me so much that they choose to spend time on worthless people like me.

i think i've failed God. How would i answer Him if he were to question me on the spot about how am i handling my life? God is good all the time. But how come the joy in Him just disappeared? Is he telling me that the joy of the Lord is my strength? True i guess. I felt mentally tired and frustrated.

i thought God had delivered me from the deep pit, and i remembered that pit doesn't tempt and stumble me anymore. But why now i seem to be turning back to it? i didn't intend that...

so this time i need a deliverance. a real deliverance. but when i rethink, i started doubting again. Could this be God's will, or simply my misinterpretation in my thoughts?

i want to be effective. i want to study and be 'addicted' to it. i want to score. i want to be a good testimony to others. i want to please God. i want to be wise and cool when handle difficult problems. i want my strength to come continuously. since God had placed me in various important posts in school rather than a normal commoner, i want to utilise all my spiritual gifts and talents to be good in all things. God help me please. Draw me close to You once again. Do not let go of me. My life just can't go on without you.